dying to live

We are born desperate to live!
–to soar with abandon
to sing
dance
love
dream
create.
We are taught to aspire
produce
achieve
push
press
climb to unreached heights
always and always
up.

Then it happens.
–quite inevitably
we fall
no,
we’re hurled
kicking and screaming
to that dreaded place
where all end up
sometime
somewhere
somehow.

A living death.
–the first death.

We say: that won’t happen to me.
–without hesitation
life replies: it will
we insist: oh no
I’ll work harder
be better
achieve more
run farther
reach higher
endure longer.

Of no use.
–no amount of effort
allows avoidance
exemption
an undetected passage.

Everyone
–all human beings
encounter the first death
alone
forsaken
lost
failing
crippled
with uncertainty
what calamity
regret
misery
self-doubt and
God-doubt
the only way out seems
up
back
retrace
regain
making up for…
something.

But what if–
–is it possible
that
the first death must happen?
What if through it
we emerge
as one
empowered
to live?

We don’t understand
– we’re not taught
how to lose
fall
fail
let go
give in
die.

We cannot chose whether
–we can merely determine how
we navigate
this first death.

We can shrink back
–recoil in terror
fight and clamor
insist and insult
medicate and insulate
refuse
deny
whitewash.

We can moan
–indeed rebel
agonize
over what once was
vow that we will recover
scramble
pick up
all that was lost
recover time wasted.

Or–

–we can allow
both glory and agony to fall together
onto the same heap
unsorted
unlabeled
unchallenged
unadjudicated
unjudged.

We can dare to believe
–convinced that life
after the first death
is far superior
to what preceded it
–incalculably
infinitely
sublimely
beyond all comparison.

We can dare to allow
–give ourselves
to be held
absorbed
altered
allowing the trappings to burn
and fall away
silent upon a mound of rubbish
without yesterday
or tomorrow.

We can embrace
–even welcome
the uncertainty of
standing alone
unclothed
vulnerable
unashamed
forever changed.

We can sit in the moment
–that expanse
having neither
before
nor after
knowing that what we dread
has come to pass
and we pass
–we all pass
to a new realm
of being known
held
caught in free-fall
free!

When we face this first death,
We can walk through the valley of the shadow
fearing neither the second part of life
nor the final passage
for God
Presence
Grace
Protection is with us.

She who valiantly faces the first death
and rises well
has no fear of
tomorrow
or the final end.